


All for Myself

by keptinslog



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bottom Spock, FTM Jim, FTM Spock, Gender Dysphoria, I'll tag more porny stuff as I update, M/M, Pon Farr, Rated E for later chapters, Top Jim, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 13:43:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11991018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keptinslog/pseuds/keptinslog
Summary: "What can I do for you?" Jim asked, bringing a gentle hand up to cradle his boyfriend's cheek.  Spock leaned into the touch.  "What do you need?"Spock then finally met Jim's gaze, staring intensely.  "I need you.  All of you.  Take me."(Sequel to "Nowhere Man")





	All for Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title comes from a Sufjan Stevens song of the same name

* * *

      A slow day on the bridge would be an understatement.   
      The Enterprise was traveling through Federation space, on the way to deliver supplies to a newly developed colony on an Earth-like planet. The trip would last a good week or even two, depending on whether or not the crew would face any roadblocks along the way. The supplies were not desperately needed; it was, after all, just a routine delivery.   
      Jim sighed and shifted in the Captain's chair, running a hand through his hair. He could tell the rest of the crew was just as bored as he was as he glanced around the bridge. His gaze finally fell upon Spock, who was at his console as usual. But he appeared distracted. The Vulcan was not focused on his work, instead hovering uncomfortably over the sensors and looking anywhere but down at them. He seemed to be shaking slightly, but that could have just been Jim's boredom-ridden eyes playing tricks on him.   
      "Mister Spock?" Jim addressed his boyfriend formally. The couple had always tried their best to keep their relationship low-key whilst on shift, as to uphold a professional appearance. "Are you alright?"  
      Jim could've sworn Spock jumped at the sound of his voice, despite the fact that Vulcans were not easily startled. Spock clutched the console for a moment, then shakily replied, "If...if permitted, I would like to request to return to m-my quarters." He did not turn to look back at Jim once.   
      Jim felt his heart rise into his throat, but he kept his cool, just as he always did - or at least tried to - in worrying situations. "That's fine with me, as long as you stop by sickbay on the way there." He tried to make his voice sound commanding yet gentle. He needed Spock to know that he was serious, but he didn't want to shake his first officer up any more than he already was.   
      "Won't be necessary," Spock responded, his voice clipped, as if it hurt to speak. Before Jim could argue, the Vulcan had hastily made his way into the turbolift.   
As Jim leaned back in his chair and turned his attention back to his console, he soon realized that every set of eyes on the bridge were now on him. The atmosphere was uncomfortable. Something about it seemed intrusive.   
      Finally, someone dared to speak. It was a nervous chirp from Chekov. "Is Commander Spock alright, keptin?" The ensign was looking at Jim worriedly, as were the rest of his crew. "It is not like a Wulcan to be so, er..." he let his sentence trail on.  
      Jim sighed and stood, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't know, Chekov," he answered honestly. "Excuse me, I should, uh, probably go after him. Mister Sulu, you have the con."   
      Jim barely heard Sulu's faint "Aye, sir" as he sped onto the turbolift and then through the winding corridors that would eventually lead to Spock's quarters. He halted as he passed by sickbay, backtracking and then making his way inside.   
      It seemed that Bones was going about business as usual, with Chapel and a few other nurses by his side, not looking particularly busy. There were no patients to attend to, so the sickbay staff seemed just about as bored as the crew back up on the bridge. Not to mention, there was no sign of Spock.   
      Bones finally became aware of Jim's presence and turned, seeming a little surprised as well as relieved at the sight of his friend. "Slow day, isn't it?" the doctor greeted. Jim nodded in reply. "What can I do for you? Got a case of cabin fever? Nothin' a little Saurian brandy can't fix."  
      "No, no, that's not it..." Jim sighed, taking a seat on a nearby cot. "Did Spock happen to pass by through here?"   
      Bones immediately rolled his eyes at the mention of the Vulcan. "Let me guess, is it time for his annual physical that he always tries to talk me into skipping?"   
      Jim shook his head, looking down at his hands. "He seemed...off today on the bridge. He was distracted, jumpy, shivering. I don't know what's gotten into him. I sent him to his quarters and told him to check in with sickbay on the way, but I suppose he just went straight to his quarters if you haven't seen him."  
      The joking edge in McCoy's eyes faded and a frown quickly cemented itself on his face. "Well, that definitely does sound odd, especially for the hobgoblin."  
      "Do you think it could be complications from the surgery?" Jim asked quietly, remembering back to Spock's recent reassignment procedure. It seemed so long ago already.  
      Bones sighed and paused for a moment, then answered, "I doubt it, that was weeks ago. And he had been healing remarkably fast, damn that Vulcan biology of his." He then reached out and placed a hand on Jim's shoulder, squeezing gently. "Listen, why don't you go try and find him, and once you do, be sure and bring him to me. I don't care if it takes some serious wrangling, he'll have to learn how to swallow his pride sooner or later. In the meantime, I'll contact Doctor M'Benga and have him look up the symptoms."   
      Jim looked up at him, smiling warmly. "Thanks Bones, it means a lot, really."   
      McCoy shrugged, retracting his hand. "Eh, it's my job. Besides, it saves me from sitting around being bored all day, even if it does involve your green-blooded beau."   
      Jim chuckled and then made his way out of sickbay. Though talking with Bones always had a knack for calming his nerves, he still had a pit of worry deep in his stomach as he continued his trek down the halls.   
      Once Jim finally reached the entrance to he and Spock's conjoined quarters, he stopped. Should he knock? Or should he burst in with a flourish, possibly catching Spock in the act of whatever he was trying to cover up? Jim always did have a flare for dramatics, but he sighed and pushed it down, knocking once on the door as a warning before using his Captain's override to open the entrance and walk in.   
      Jim was surprised to see Spock simply sitting in the far corner, meditating peacefully. Or at least he seemed peaceful, despite the quiver of his hands and the fast, uneven pacing of his breath. Just as Jim was opening his mouth to warn the Vulcan of his presence, Spock spoke.  
      "Jim," he rasped, superhumanly aware of his boyfriend, now standing awkwardly behind him. Spock's voice seemed nearly unrecognizable. Jim remembered back to a time when his boyfriend's voice would have never been able to reach a tone so low. But his voice had been steadily changing over the course of the past year; it did not crack any longer, it had ran its course. It was the hint of something dangerous in Spock's voice that was different. And it made Jim shiver immediately upon hearing it.   
      "You must leave," Spock continued, now sounding more frantic, his control beginning to slip. Yet he still did not move from his position, closed-eyed and facing the wall.   
      Jim swallowed thickly. He had never seen Spock like this. Hell, he had never heard Spock like this. The last time he could remember the Vulcan treating him so coldly was back at the Academy when they first met. There were times, of course, when Spock would let his emotions slip. There were off days, when something could set Spock off, something small such as a curious glance or a simple misstep of judgement, and he would mediate for hours. Usually, he would let Jim join him, admitting that the human's presence soothed him greatly. Jim understood Spock, and despite their vast differences, they were greatly alike in a way both of them knew.   
      This situation, however, was different.  
      "T'hy'la," Jim pulled out the affectionate Vulcan term, hoping to arouse some sort of positive reaction. "Is something wrong? Are you feeling...dysphoric?" he asked carefully, in case he happened to be wrong in his assumption. "What do you need?"   
      At this, Spock finally stirred. He stood, shakily, but full of purpose, and turned to face Jim. As they were face-to-face, Jim realized the two were a lot closer than he had previously thought. He could already feel the Vulcan's hot breath ghosting over his skin, making Jim shiver once again.  "You must leave," Spock repeated, this time with force. "You must leave, and you will not return until one week from now. Go about your duties, and do not think of me. Do you understand?"  
      Jim just simply stared at him, almost dumbfounded. As the fog of confusion began to fade away from Jim's mind, he was left feeling upset. What could possibly be making Spock behave in such a way? Jim reached out to grab his boyfriend's shoulder, but he quickly recoiled, as if the human's hand was radioactive. Jim let a frustrated puff of air out through his nose.   
      "You listen here, Spock" Jim put on his best Captain voice as to regain his authority in the situation. "I deserve an explanation. Before you just shut yourself off from the whole ship, from me, I deserve to know why." As he finished speaking, Jim realized that, without knowing it, he has backed Spock up against the nearest wall. There was a darkness in Spock's eyes that Jim didn't recognize.   
      Spock let out a shuddering sigh, then explained, "It has to do with...biology. Vulcan biology." He paused to take another labored breath, then continued, "Vulcan males go through a process...a blood fever...known as Pon Farr. It drives them to insanity, and if they can not mate, they die. I...I never thought I would have to experience this myself, besides the female bonding process, but I suppose the hormone implant has brought on a sort of puberty, and my Pon Farr has arrived. All of the signs are present. Now that you are informed, you must leave and not return until the fever has burned out."   
      Jim took a step away from Spock and cocked his head. "Until the fever burns out? You mean until you die from this?" He reached up and ran his fingers through his short golden bangs, shaking his head. "No, there's gotta be another way. Surely you're not the first trans Vulcan."   
      "It is not about that, Jim," Spock interrupted, voice solemn. "It has nothing to do with genitals in particular, just simply the drive to mate." He halted his speech for a moment, attempting to piece his thoughts together, then continued, "The mating process requires a...bond. Usually, Vulcans have pre-determined bonds that have been cemented since childhood, but due to the destruction of my home planet and the likely loss of my bondmate, my bond has been severed. Because of our current relationship, you would logically be the best choice to fill the void that my bondmate left, but to form a bond with a Vulcan is a life-long commitment, much like your Terran institution of marriage, except it is an even deeper connection. A permanent melding of the minds would take place. I...would not wish to force you to go through that, it is far too much to ask of you." By this point, Spock's entire body was trembling.  
      Jim stepped even closer towards his boyfriend, until his body was flush up against him. Spock sucked in a breath. "Shut up," Jim breathed, part way angry, but mostly sympathetic. "Bonding with you is all I could ever want. Do you understand?"   
      Spock nodded shakily, fluttering his eyes shut and breathing through tightly pressed lips. He slowly unclenched his fists.   
      "What can I do for you?" Jim asked, bringing a gentle hand up to cradle his boyfriend's cheek. Spock leaned into the touch. "What do you need?"   
      "Mmm," Spock let out a strangled noise, avoiding Jim's eyes. He was being shy, unsurprisingly. Even in their most intimate moments, the Vulcan stubbornly held onto his restraint.   
      "Come on, tell me," Jim urged. "I want to help." He ran his fingers through Spock's sweat-soaked bangs, pushing them aside and planting a kiss on his forehead.   
      Spock then finally met Jim's gaze, staring intensely. "I need you. All of you. Take me."


End file.
